[Spam Poetry] Love That Comes To Late

I don’t know whether it was boredom or procrastination or a mixture of both but I find myself reading some of my spam and have started to find it highly entertaining!

For example there’s the President of the Central Bank of Nigeria and his associates always emailing to keep me updated on my investments. I’ve invested so much money I’m going to be a gazillionaire by the time the cheques clear. Any day now they say.

Then there’s the the lonely girls. They’re always emailing me as soon as they spot my profile on the tubes. Too bad I’m married but that doesn’t stop them inviting me to their websites for a chat. One problem though… my penis is too small… apparently. I thought I was an average guy but to them it’s clear I need to substantially enlarge the volume of my ‘male meat’, ‘supersize’ my willy and get a Huge! in my pants.

But has anyone noticed how artsy some spam emails are getting these days? Sometimes they don’t even contain a link, just a garbled message in pidgen English or similar dialect. It’s as though spam is evolving a culture. So I thought I’d begin sharing some of the more evocative ones and see how it goes.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you…

Love That Comes To Late

Love that comes to late like a
Then we shall have a match.

Lucas Sheffield

Feel free to leave some artsy witicism in the comments…

Technorati: poetry spam love late humour nigeria email

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Unless I Saw It On TV, It Never Happened

Dan Phillips of Pyromaniacs responds to a commenter, asks is Jesus made up?

"Nothing"? You say, "nothing was even really written about [Jesus] for some 40 or 50 years after his death (a date I base on the current earliest known scrap of New Testament writing.

This is simply a naked assertion. Not only does it have no supportive evidence, but it is contrary to a huge pile of evidence. The New Testament Epistles write about Jesus, and they were written as early as twenty years after Jesus’ resurrection. Luke was almost certainly written before the mid-sixties (thus within 30-35 years of that event), and he refers to earlier written accounts (Luke 1:1-4). Thus, your premise is incorrect.

Nihilism? But let’s put that aside for a moment. Have you thought this through at all? Your assumption is, "We cannot know anything about something documented 40-50 years after the event." Do you realize that no remotely credible historian alive would agree with you? Do you realize that this would lead to total historical nihilism?

Put it another way. When you read David McCullough on, say, John Adams or George Washington, or 1776, do you reject the whole as bosh because it is written more than two centuries after the events? Or when you read of the Pharaohs, or the Battle of Carchemish, do you shrug and say "Whatever" because everything is written millennia after the occurrences? Not likely. Do you realize that most historians would (metaphorically, I trust) kill to have the sorts of resources, the staggering wealth of early manuscript evidence, that the NT historian has about the life of Jesus?

I guess, if we’re going to determine historical truth by how long it was written after, then we need to start agreeing with people like David Irving and Heribert Illig. Heck, approaching history like this even screws with science, I mean if Georges Lemaitre came up with the Big Bang theory in 1927, an estimated 13.7 billion years after the even actually happened, can we not say that it was nothing… it never happened?

And what about all those police investigations that discover crimes more than 20 years old due to ‘new’ evidence. I guess there should be law made that dismisses evidence over 20 years because it’s clear that once it’s gotten old, it never happened.

I guess all that time spent studying philosophy gets in the way of science and history.

Technorati: jesus atheism antitheism pyromaniacs history bible evidence nihilism

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Why I’ve Left Vista for Ubuntu Linux

I’ve finally made the full transition from Vista to Linux, and went with the easiest choice – Ubuntu, simply because of the support in the online forums.

I reformatted my hard drive (the only way I could reclaim space from Vista despite doing a fresh install over the top) and then installed Vista on a 30gb partition to duel boot with Ubuntu on 10gb. It took me a while to get the wireless stable and running on startup but I haven’t yet needed to boot back into Vista and I’m quite pleased so far.

I’ve managed to get Compiz running with my Nvidia driver which gives very cool desktop effects like making the windows appear bouncy and flexible when moving.

The only thing I’m worried about is working out how to get my TomTom Home configured in Wine, not sure yet whether I’ll just boot into Vista for that.

These aren’t my first reactions as I’ve been installing it and selling laptops on ebay, but I thought I’d give my own comparison of Linux and Vista and what has ultimately caused me to switch.

Security

I blogged about my first taste of Vista’s heavy handed UAC back in May when I first upgraded. This was Microsofts answer to Linux root user, but the difference is that root only has one dialog box and then let’s you in to do what you need. UAC on the other hand, was usually followed by another warning dialogue (if you were planning on installing something say) and even then it either didn’t let me do what I wanted to do (I did not have permission) or kept popping up for each and every action. Root just works.

Boot Time

A fresh install of Vista will boot pretty quickly, but like it’s predecessors, after time, once applications are installed it begins to slow down to a crawl. You know what I’m talking about, when the desktop has loaded, you click on the ‘Start’ button and wait 5 minutes for the menu to popup. I think Microsoft purposefully designed it this way so it would seem like the OS boots up fast. Ubuntu is a little slower booting up, but when the desktop loads that’s it, you can start, you’re not waiting for drivers or taskbar to load.

Applications

One the one hand, Microsoft has the edge over Linux in compatibility. When you plug a piece of hardware in it just works, installing software isn’t too difficult because you just have to look for the executable (‘.exe’) file. First of all, the reason Microsoft has so much of the market is they spend a large amount of time and money idiot-proofing it. They make sure every copy of Windows contains every driver that you’ll ever need (and thousands you won’t) so you don’t have to go through the hard part of trawling manuals and manufacturers websites looking for the right driver and installing it first. This is what turns Windows into bloatware and ensures easts all your disk space like a algae in a pond (currently my copy of Vista takes up 10gb and I’ve not installed applications yet).

It’s a shame they trashed this advantage with Vista. Not only is it not backwards compatible with all the products you’ve been using for years, many manufacturers still haven’t released full drivers or compatible products yet. Not only that, say goodbye to some of the free private-use software you were so used to using, if manufacturers haven’t updated the stuff they sell, they’re not going to be releasing any of the free versions soon.

Then they went and took the executable format that any idiot can use to launch a thousand viruses, trojans and spyware and replaced it with Windows Installer Package (‘.wmi’). Hey, I can figure it out, sure, but what about your idiots?

So this is the point where Ubuntu Linux beats Vista hands down, because not only has Microsoft simply created an installation environment similar to Linux – in which a bit more technical knowledge is needed – but Ubuntu has the Synaptic Package Manager, a database to tons of free and open source software for which 95% of Vista propriety applications, there is a Linux alternative.

Cost

Vista Ultimate: £300+
Linux: £0+

‘Nuff said.

Style

Admittedly Linux has a way to go before it gets to the visual prowess of Vista, oh there are distros out there that look stylish but if we’re talking about integration with third party applications, Vista wins in this department. I also miss the sidebar, but it’s not enough to keep me I’m afraid. Linux has a much more customisable and flexible desktop, with Compiz you get all the bells and whistles you need, and more importantly, with Compiz the bells and whistles are smooth and don’t distract from your main task. I’d rather have a less than glamouress desktop that works when I click on something, than a flashy one that I have to wait 2 seconds for the bell/whistle to engage.

Networking

Another one of Microsofts aces is admittedly its networking. Wireless works out of the box. Ubuntu is getting there but for every box I’ve had I’ve had to log onto the forums and look for solutions. It is possible, you just have to have some patience and get over your fear of the command line.

[Actually the command line interface (CLI) is what makes Linux easy. Support is easy since you don’t need to know which button to click, just type it into the terminal or cut-n-paste. You can see exactly what steps you took in solving a problem. You can see how things work rather than having to go through several different menus to get to any meaningful information.]

There are reasons for problems with wireless networking, the first being that some manufacturers won’t share their source code with Linux developers so work-arounds have to be developed. The other reason is Vista has introduced encrypted passwords for sharing which currently can’t be read by Linux. If you’re not using passwords for you network this is fine however.

I think this is an important issue in future as more and more users come to rely on a Wifi connection for their laptops.

Support

Last time I had to call Microsoft support line (at work) they charge £250 a pop. It’s true they do have the online Knowledgebase, I’m not sure but they might also have an email support too. Linux is free and has forum users all over the world and you get to learn something at the same time. The support for Linux is personal and open rather than communicating with someone who’s given a script.

Maybe the reason Linux developers have so much difficulty developing drivers for applications is that not enough people are calling the vendors for help with installing- all the support is provided by the community instead.

Your Soul

Contrary to accepted wisdom, your soul is not owned by Steve Balmer or Steve Jobs. Linux will give you your soul back and set you free from crippling DRM, lock-in and propriety software. It will set you free to see the world without corporate gloss and blood-sucking EULA’s written by the Dark Lord of the Sith (actually you still need to sign EULA’s for some things but not as many).

Things You Won’t Need In Ubuntu

Ctrl-Alt-Del
Defrag
Scandisk
Anti-virus (well, not much)
Disk Cleanup
Licence Keys
Original Installation disk
The latest top-of-the-range hardware

Things you may miss in Vista

Shiny GUI
Sidebar
Comfort

Ulterior Verse of the Day: Matthew 22:15-21

Gayle writes…

Hi Alex – I thought I should send you an odd article I read in the “Missoulian” (Montana, USA) this morning:

Church of England motion arrives with number 666

London (AP) – The beast of the Book of Revelation intruded into the banter of the House of Commons on Thursday when a motion calling for the disestablishment of the Church of England was numbered 666.

The last book of the Bible says 666 is the number of a beast that “had two horns like a lamb, and . . . spake as a dragon,” and that “doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight of men.”

It is incredible that a motion like this should have, by chance, acquired this significant number,” said Bob Russell, a Liberal Democrat lawmaker.

It looks as though God or the devil have been moving in mysterious ways,” he said.

The motion simply states: “That this house calls for the disestablishment of the Church of England” – in other words ending its status as the country’s legally established, official faith.”

Is this a story there – or just an obscure who-knows-why kind of story someone picked up over here?

I promised Gayle that I would respond in the blog, and thought this would be an excellent tie in with an old regular feature I had on DSotL – Ulterior Verse of the Day:

“Then the Pharisees went out and laid plans to trap him in his words. They sent their disciples to him along with the Herodians. “Teacher,” they said, “we know you are a man of integrity and that you teach the way of God in accordance with the truth. You aren’t swayed by men, because you pay no attention to who they are. Tell us then, what is your opinion? Is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not?”

But Jesus, knowing their evil intent, said, “You hypocrites, why are you trying to trap me? Don’t you know that my ministry is global and impacts the lives of millions of people everyday?” They brought him a denarius, and he asked them, “Whose portrait is this? And whose inscription?”

“Caesar’s,” they replied.
Then he said to them, “Under Caesar the law states charities are tax-exempt, and I since my ministry forms part of a charity then that makes me tax-exempt.” – Matthew 22:15-21

First of all, it’s true that a few MP’s have signed an early day motion (EDM) for the disestablishment of the Church of England and that whether by fate or by mischief that the motion is number 666. You can even view it online.

For my global hangers-on, in America where church and state are seperated (for the protection of the church) and the American government are prevented by the constitution from controlling and influencing the church. Here in the UK however, along with charity status the Church of England is in the enviable position of having a small but inconsequential measure of influence on politics as well as allowing its members to divorce. It has nothing to do with handouts (well not officially anyway) but as I say, the church has charity status.

In return for this highly esteemed position, the government has the right to dictate church policy and elect it’s highest leaders. It is illegal, for example, for an Anglican church to refuse to marry anyone (hetrosexual) who wants to be married (providing they live in the catchment area and attend for 6+ months). Similarly it is also illegal for the Church of England to refuse to baptise or bury anyone who requests it.

Thuto provides a better explanation of this.

This is why, when American anti-theists exult the constitutional “separation of church and state”, they may as well be cheering for the fact that 85-95% of Americans believe in God.

The IRS has recently begun auditing several prominent mega-church leaders. The reason? Not only should charities not be affiliated with any political party, but how many charities do you know where the CEO is driving a Bentley, living in a mansion yet not making any money from other sources of income outside of charity work (I consider writing books and recording videos part of the charity work if it involves the charity).

The truth is, this EDM 666 probably stands little chance of going through, but if it did it could only be good for the Church of England, a church that was established to allow a fat monarch to divorce without resigning as head of it. After all, it would give the Church of England the freedom it needs to be a Church, and not just an.. aging establishment.

Ironically, it is most likely the atheists and agnostics who would protest when they couldn’t get their infants baptised, their beautiful church wedding or their dead rellies buried.

Free from government influence and control, free from public scrutiny and able to self-govern, blunder of the beast more like…

Smash & Grab

Or in my case, smash but no grab.

Today the passenger window of my car was smashed outside a friend’s flat I was visiting. The punks had obviously spotted my satnav cradle and were dumb enough to assume I was dumb enough to leave it in my glove box. Hence when I returned to my car I found all my junk (including CD case) spread all over the floor but nothing taken.

For some reason I’m more annoyed that nothing was taken. I mean, what a hassle now for me along with the £70 excess, and what a waste of their time that could have been spent on a more profitable venture. I’d like to get hold of one of them to explain in fine detail how they spoiled an otherwise fun afternoon and caused great inconvenience… then I’d like to ram their head through the other window. Still, vengeance is mine says God, and I really have to trust in the knowledge that God sees it all and will judge all. Lessons not learned in this life will be learned in the next.

In these cases it is customary to play the “pretend-crime-investigation” game. The game involved dialing the new ‘not a serious’ crime number to obtain a crime reference number, the crime reference number can then be used for my insurance to effectively do what I pay them to do anyway.

But as long as we are pretending to be interested in solving petty crime can we at least ask decent crime-solving questions? Two questions that stood out from the phone interview which caused me to utter an internalised WTF?

1. “Do you want this to be reported to the press?”
2. “What is your self-described ethnicity?”

Excuse me but what has my ethnicity or a byline in the Daily Mail got to do with pretend-crime-investigation? Are the press-scouts simply outsourcing their business to the police now?

I understand not much can be done about this sort of crime, so why don’t they allow us to fit Robocop-type car alarms that electrocute thieves?

Hey I never said I was a liberal.

The Car That is Fueled by the Blood of Farmers

Persistent readers will already know of the Battery Powered Death Machine, I now give you the Tata Nano aka ‘The (Death-to-the) People’s Car’.

From Private Eye (sorry folks, no link you’ll have to buy it):

“Although it began life in the mid-19th century helping the British sell opium to the Chinese, Tata is unique among Indian companies in the way it sells itself as a compassionate, socially concerned enterprise…

…This might surprise some of the farmers of Singur, the richly fertile farmland north-west of Calcutta where the car is being built. The 997 acre site produced three crops a year and provided a decent living to more than 20,000 people. But when Tata picked it up for its new plant in 2006 … the communist chief minister of West Bengal, Buddhadeb Bhattacharya, announced that the land was to be forcibly acquired under a Raj-era law…

…Several people have died since the resistance began, including a teenage girl called Tapasi Malik who was raped and strangled by goons guarding the land.”

A small, cheap, fuel efficient car that has cost human lives… environMENTALISTs must be queuing up to place their orders!

In Heaven, Politicians Will Be Swedish

OK maybe I am taking the old cliche a step beyond, but why can’t our politicians be more like the Swedish ones… and will the UK ever have it’s own Pirate Party?

The message from the Moderate Party MPs to their Antipiratbyrån supporting colleagues was “be careful, they will never be satisfied”, drawing parallels to the earlier attempts to ban MP3 players, and VCRs, both areas in which, having failed to ban, industry groups are now making a profit from selling content.

Karl Sigfrid told TorrentFreak that the APB proposals make no practical sense. “I think it could be solved in theory. However, in reality, you would need such a surveillance system to achieve this that it would be all out of proportion. So I don’t think there’s a feasilbe way of stopping individuals copying. The cause for file sharing is basically that it’s possible. People have always done it to the extent that they’ve been able to. With cassette tapes 20 years ago and electronically today. Copyright laws preventing individuals from sharing information have never been legitimate in the eyes of most people.” Swedish Politicians Strike Blows at Copyright Lobby (TorrentFreak)

America’s Most Smartest Model

For those who found Celebrity Big Brother simply too high brow this year, America’s Most Smartest Modal is being broadcast on MTV from Sun 20th Jan and from the look of this clip promises plenty of cheap laughs at the expense of those who put image before smarts.

As always, viewer discretion is advised.