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Posts Tagged ‘jesus’

[Hate Cleric] Coulter Attacks Jesus Over Liberal Agenda!

Posted by Lex Fear on July 31, 2006

Americas new Witchfinder General, Ann Coulter, has lambasted Jesus Christ in her latest book “Haters Get More Publicity”. In the book she compares Jesus to the Godless liberals in America who love sinners and prostitutes, stand against the death penalty, war and earthly empire.

“This self-appointed Messiah is a liar and a blasphemer” says Coulter of the Lord. On his stand against the death penalty for the woman caught in adultery, she calls him an “enemy of family values”.

She goes on to question Jesus’s reputation, linking him to sinners and prostitutes. “All his respectable colleagues have deserted him.” she claims. “He is also know for being soft on crime.”

Coulter has even attacked his war record. “When Jesus came to this earth, he promised a new Kingdom, he was pro-war and pro-empire, now we are expected to believe when he says ‘My Kingdom is not of this world‘?”

Finally, she accuses Jesus of treason, and being un-American when it comes to his views on how to treat our enemies. She cites Jesus as saying,

“But if you are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Pray for the happiness of those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.” Luke 6:27-28

She ends with “The evidence speaks for itself, Jesus is not a patriot”.

We asked Jesus what he had to say in his defense:

“Count yourself blessed every time someone cuts you down or throws you out, every time someone smears or blackens your name to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and that that person is uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens skip like a lamb, if you like! For even though they don’t like it, I do . . . and all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company; my preachers and witnesses have always been treated like this.” Luke 6:22-23

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Posted in Analogies, Dark Side of the Light, Dorks, Ha-has, Justice & Mercy, Little Hitlers, Opinion, Pharisees, The Religious Wrong, V for Vendetta, Wealth Creation | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Inspiration] Ulterior Verse of the Day – Mark 17:17-22

Posted by Lex Fear on July 22, 2006

As he was starting out on a trip, a man came running up to Jesus, knelt down, and asked, “Good Teacher, what should I do to get eternal life?”
Why do you call me good?” Jesus asked. “Only God is truly good. But as for your question, you know the commandments: `Do not murder. Do not commit adultery. Do not steal. Do not testify falsely. Do not cheat. Honor your father and mother.’
“Teacher,” the man replied, “I’ve obeyed all these commandments since I was a child.”
Jesus felt genuine love for this man as he looked at him. “Excellent!” Jesus replied. “Come and follow me we can use your wealth for building the Kingdom, and you can teach the other disciples the secrets to accumulating great wealth (for the Kingdom).Mark 17:17-22 NLT

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Posted in Dark Side of the Light, Pharisees, The Purpose Missing Church, Wealth Creation | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Inspiration] Ulterior Verse of the Day – Luke 6:27-28

Posted by Lex Fear on July 16, 2006

“To you who are ready for the truth, I say this: Love those who love you. Show your enemies why you hate them. It’s hard sometimes, but continue to pray against your enemies and bless only your friends and loved ones.” Luke 6:27-28 The Message

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[History Rewrite] The JFK Seminar

Posted by Lex Fear on July 15, 2006

Following the success of The Jesus Seminar, like minded theologians, historians and political analysts have decided to apply their collective wisdom to another historical event which is surrounded in controversy and doubt.

Using a simple colour-coded voting system, The learned intellectuals and academics of The Jesus Seminar found it was possible to take eye-witness accounts of historical events and simply remove most of the parts they didn’t agree with. Realising that this system of deciding what historical facts you want to agree with seemed to work, they have applied it to the event surrounding the assassination of President John F Kennedy. They hope that they can finally settle the myths and conspiracy theories once and for all.

JFK Seminarians used the same technique they applied to the events of the gospels. They worked through each sentence of the press and government reports of the event and applied the following colour-coded system to decide:

Red: The historical reliability of this information is virtually certain.
Pink: This information is probably reliable.
Gray: This information is possible but unreliable.
Black: This information is improbable, it is largely or entirely fictional.

After hours of painstaking listening and then voting (guessing) on each sentence of the report, the JFK seminar finally released their own report which they held to be more accurate than the eyewitnesses, reporters and people who were there at the time.

The following is a summary of their account of the JFK assassination:
John F Kennedy was born in Massachusetts in 1917, He served in the Navy from 1941-1945. He was a catholic. He may have been the 35th President of the United States. and is thought to have sanctioned the Bay of Pigs invasion into Cuba and later negotiated the release survivors from the invasion but it may not have been a great number. There may have been some issue or crisis over nuclear missiles and the USSR, but since we are on friendly terms with Russia in modern times, that’s probably based on personal views at the time. The Peace Corps were founded largely on the belief that Kennedy was a President. He most likely backed the civil rights movement.

In 1963 it is held in wide belief that Kennedy was assassinated, but who the assassin was is unclear and since we have not had an assassination of an American President for a very long time, it is highly unlikely this event actually happened.Since both The Jesus Seminar and The JFK Seminar are held in high esteem amongst many intelligent people and academics, it will come as no surprise that even the current American and British governments have employed their methodology for determining policies and the truth in such matters as WMD in Iraq, link between Iraq and terrorism and success overall in The War Against Terror.

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Posted in Analogies, Dark Side of the Light, Duh!, Ha-has, Uncircumcised Philistines | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Inspiration] Ulterior Verse of the Day – Mark 10:43-44

Posted by Lex Fear on July 13, 2006

“But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to become a leader among you should take leadership classes, go on discipleship courses and read leadership books.” – Mark 10:43-44 NLT

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Posted in Dark Side of the Light, Of The World But Not In It, Pharisees, The Purpose Missing Church | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Asinine] The Da Vinci Code Ruined My Faith!

Posted by Lex Fear on May 10, 2006

Ooooh Nooooo! Channel 5 will tomorrow expose the secret truth that I have tried to hide for 9 years as a born-again Christian! Supposedly this will rock the church and my faith.That’s right folks, it was never about studying the bible, personal experience, spirituality, conviction, bible evidence, working for the community, prayer, social action, worship or fellowship.

No, Gods purpose for the Church all along was to hide the fact and pretend that Jesus wasn’t married.What will the Church do now? Surely the whole institution will collapse, millions of believers everywhere will be left disillusioned. We will soon here testimonies such as:

“All my life there was something missing, I felt lost, confused and simply couldn’t move on until the Church told me that Jesus was married. Now I have discovered they have lied, I am no longer a believer and I feel let down.”

“The knowledge that Jesus wasn’t married helped me to beat my drug addiction and achieve my potential. All I can do now is go back to doing drugs.”

“Knowing that Jesus didn’t have any kids helped me to turn from a life of crime. Now I don’t know what I’ll do… I guess I’ll have to go back to mugging old ladies.”

So there you have it, 2000 years of careful scroll preservation, exposition, canonical scrutiny and debate, defeated by one, 500 year old painting.It doesn’t stop there. Since the discovery of the disciple to the left of Jesus in The Last Supper is, in actual fact, a woman, further revelations have been uncovered simply by staring at the painting:

  • Jesus was white with long hair.
  • 1st Century Jews sat on chairs with square tables and table-clothes, like 15th Century Italians.
  • 1st Century Jews wore clothes similar to Italians of the 15th Century.
  • Jewish women in the 1st Century wore mens clothing.
  • 1st Century Jerusalem was a beacon of 15th Century Italian architecture.

So much for all that historical data and archeological discoveries, eh?

Of course people who believe in the truth of “The Da Vinci Code” will be of sound mind. They will be rational and unbiased in their evaluation of the evidence. They will have read historical texts and alternative theories and come to their own conclusion. They have probably already read at least one of the following:

The Case For Christ
Mere Christianity
Strong’s Concordance
The Bible

But why waste time reading those heavy books, when you can simply visit Milan, look at a painting and make an intelligent decision.

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Posted in Apologetics, Dark Side of the Light, Duh!, Ha-has, Uncircumcised Philistines, Warring Memes | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »