Abandon All Fear

What nobody else seems to be saying…

Posts Tagged ‘funny’

[Funny] Random Humour

Posted by Lex Fear on May 8, 2007

I think some of these could be attributed to George Carlin, but I’m not sure… anyway, enjoy.

Someone asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was “woman”.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row!”

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, “Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.”

When I was in the Boy Scouts I sprained my ankle and an old lady had to help me across the street.

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[Translations] How To Speak New Zealand

Posted by Lex Fear on April 9, 2007

Continuing my trend of insulting other nationalities, say out loud for full effect.

Milburn – capital of Victoria
Peck – to fill a suitcase
Pissed aside – chemical which kills insects
Pigs – for hanging out washing with
Pump – to act as agent for prostitute
Pug – large animal with a curly tail
Nin tin dough – games console
Munner stroney – soup
Min – male of the species
Mess Kara – eye makeup
McKennock – person who fixes cars
Mere – Mayor
Leather – foam produced from soap
Lift – departed
Kiri Pecker – famous Australian businessman
Kittle crusps – potato chips
Ken’s – Cairns
Jumbo – pet name for someone called Jim
Jungle Bills – Christmas carol
Inner me – enemy
Guess – vapour
Fush – marine creatures
Fitter cheney – type of pasta
Ever cardeau – avocado
Fear hear – blonde
Ear – mix of nitrogen and oxygen
Ear roebucks – exercise at the gym
Duffy cult – not easy
Amejen – visualise
Day old chuck – very young poultry
Bug hut – popular recording
Bun button – been bitten by insect
Beard – a place to sleep
Sucks Peck – Half a dozen beers
Ear New Zulland – an extinct airline
Beers – large savage animals found in U.S. forests
Veerjun – mythical New Zealand maiden
One Doze – well known operating system
Brudge – structure spanning a stream
Sex – one less than sivven
Tin – one more than nine
Iggs Ecktly – Precisely
Earplane – large flying machine
Beggage Chucken – place to leave your suitcase at the earport
Sivven Sucks Sivven – large Boeing aircraft
Sivven Four Sivven – larger Boeing aircraft
Cuds – children
Pits – domestic animals
Cuttin – baby cat
Munce – usually served on toast

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[Poetry] Prints in the Sand

Posted by Lex Fear on April 9, 2007

Such a beautiful poem, I thought I should share:

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord,” What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat.
“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up.
And there I dropped you on your butt.”

“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”
– Author Unknown

Posted in Dark Side of the Light, Ha-has, The Purpose Missing Church | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Comedy] Bremner, Bird, Bush, Blair and Fortune

Posted by Lex Fear on April 3, 2007

A while back I posted the video of Blair’s comic relief and hinted at a possible post-downing street career.

Who would have thought his partner in TWAT (The War Against Terror) could the other half of a possible comic duo?

To give credit to Bush, his self-depreciation is quite funny, his self-awareness is surprising and somewhat sad, considering what he could have achieved if he had used it to better himself.

Referral: Iain Dale

Posted in Ha-has, Realpolitik, Video | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Grauniad Columnist] Peaches

Posted by Lex Fear on April 3, 2007

Peaches Geldof wrote an article for Guardian’s Comment is Free the other day.

Lot’s of bloggers have already gone over this one so I won’t comment, instead I want to share some of the comments others left for her:

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Dorks, Ha-has | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Jokes] Love and Marriage

Posted by Lex Fear on March 31, 2007

My better half forwarded these to me this morning:

Its funny when people discuss over “love marriage” and “arranged marriage”
It is like asking a person if he would like to “hang himself” or “shoot himself”.

————————————————————–
Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

————————————————————–
Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. –Scottish Proverb

————————————————————–
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

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Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d
be married too.

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– Marriage is a three-ring circus:
–engagement ring
—wedding ring
—suffering

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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

————————————————————–
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

————————————————————–
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

————————————————————–

Posted in Anecdotes, Ha-has | Tagged: , , | 1 Comment »

[Comedy] Tony Bliar Answers His Critics- “Am I Bovvered?”

Posted by Lex Fear on March 17, 2007

Imagine, if you will “Bremner, Bird, Blair and Fortune”…

Posted in Ha-has, Realpolitik, Video | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Asinine] What A Load Of…

Posted by Lex Fear on March 15, 2007

Private equity good for the economy? Reuters reckons they’re talking bollocks.

Read the headline…

Posted in Bollotics, Ha-has, Predatory Systems, Profiteering | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Fun] The Evolution of Dance

Posted by Lex Fear on March 11, 2007

How many of these do you recognise? How many have you attempted at a disco or nightclub? How many times did you think when you were dancing that ‘you rocked!’?

Referral: Media Ninjas

Posted in Ha-has, Video | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

[Jokes] Speaking of the Germans…

Posted by Lex Fear on February 27, 2007

Are these jokes racist?

A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms

Indicators: Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood): Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust : Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Anecdotes, Ha-has | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »