Abandon All Fear

What nobody else seems to be saying…

[Funny] Random Humour

Posted by Lex Fear on May 8, 2007

I think some of these could be attributed to George Carlin, but I’m not sure… anyway, enjoy.

Someone asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

I’ve been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was “woman”.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row!”

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said “pet supplies”. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said “compact cars”.

In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, “Cut it out.”

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, “Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.”

When I was in the Boy Scouts I sprained my ankle and an old lady had to help me across the street.

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