Abandon All Fear

What nobody else seems to be saying…

[Cupid Stunts] An Immigration Problem Part 3: Invasion

Posted by Lex Fear on December 9, 2006

“And what if a crime lord, paedophile or terrorist did try to get in to the country through Heathrow? Immigration wouldn’t notice anyway- they would be too busy interrogating the MARRIED COUPLE in the corner trying to start their life together!”

Read Part 1
Read Part 2

If you read the first 2 parts, by now you are aware of my ultimate disdain for immigration officials and their complete incompetence. So far I have only verbally assaulted the British kind, but the world over they seem to be an entirely different race or breed of humans- born without the essential neural transmitters needed to understand the most basic of social nuances.

This is proved in the next example. 4 hours into our ‘visit’ with British immigration, an innocent Californian was sent over to the sin-bin. He was clearly confused, “I dunno man, I dunno why they need to interview me…” As we eavesdropped on his conversation with another poor woman stuck in Heathrow Hell, it soon became clear:

“She asked me the purpose of my visit and all I said was, I dunno, just come to hang out and see your country…”

That’s right, that’s the reason he was denied entry. Humourous as it is, it’s also tragic. It’s tragic that I believe a dog with a bag on it’s head could to a better job than Heathrow Immigration.

So what do we learn from this experience?

Folks, if you really must come to this ugly country, whatever you do, don’t tell them the truth, such as you want to learn new things, hang out, get married, enjoy life. It’s not about the truth of your visit, it’s a quiz. Basically the idea is to get the right answer- so here’s the right answer: “Just visiting.” That’s all you need to say. They don’t actually care if you have come to commit a crime, bomb a tube station, go into hiding. All they want to hear is “just visiting”.

The whole thing is a facade, a great big joke! The 7/7 bombers were BRITISH. Seriously, if an unknown mafia crime lord or potential terrorist were going to enter this country, don’t you think that they would have all their papers, the right answers and background info ready. They would be the ones who had done all the research, everything in order so they got in without any problems? Even if there was a problem, they could simply wait for the next train through the Chunnel, and keep getting sent back, and keep trying till they eventually slipped through.

And what if a crime lord, paedophile or terrorist did try to get in to the country through Heathrow? Immigration wouldn’t notice anyway- they would be too busy interrogating the MARRIED COUPLE in the corner trying to start their life together!

At least the Americans have got their priorities in order, but then, you have to question their logic. Anyone who has travelled to America in the last few years will know about the little green card that you must fill out pre-flight. A few security questions that go something like this:

  • Do you intend to commit or aid an act of terrorism during the period of your stay in the United States?
  • Do you intend to commit or aid a crime during the period of your stay in the United States?

“Wait a second, oh yes, I was thinking of detonating a bomb and robbing an old lady whilst staying at the Carlton.” Once again, a quiz, cleverly designed to catch out the most useless terrorist, or stupidest tourist, in the whole world. I’d like to know if anyone ever filled out a card and ticked “Yes”.

I heard this is for legal reasons- so they can prove you lied if you actually did get caught doing these acts. Yeah, all over America terrorists and criminals are walking away from court free, on a technicality that they admitted they were going to do it beforehand in a police questionnaire.

Lawyer: “Sorry Judge, my client ticked the “Yes” box on the card!”
Prosecution: “Damn, we just lost our case!”

For those of you who have read through all 3 parts, and still want to visit this country. Check out the Virtual Tourist website, if I can’t put you off, maybe they can.

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8 Responses to “[Cupid Stunts] An Immigration Problem Part 3: Invasion”

  1. sbalb said

    I heard this is for legal reasons- so they can prove you lied if you actually did get caught doing these acts.

    I think the point of the cards is more that your own oath can be used as a way of cutting short the procedures that might otherwise be required to make you quit the country. I have no legal training, but it might shift the burden of proof from reasonable doubt by placing it under the same legal category as breach of contract. That would also make it possible to try you for actions which aren’t normally illegal for American citizens.

    Certainly the cards predate TWAT by sufficient years that they’re more a Cold-War measure than anything else. Hence they’re geared towards supporting grand political gestures: if Americans are expelled from the USSR they can in part be used to do the same to some of their US-resident chapskis.

  2. Alex Fear said

    Thanks for the insight sbalb!

    So it’s kind of like putting a mafia boss in jail for tax evasion?

    Which begs the question, if you’re going to lock people up in Guantanamo without burden of proof or recognising you’re own constitutional laws or international statutes, why bother creating some sort of fudge on the legal process anyway?

  3. Great post! It makes me laugh at the state of our world today.

  4. Andy said

    I know this was a long time ago and I know it’s not meant to be funny (I guess it’s all sorted now – I do hope so) but it had me ROFL.

    Still, it could have been worse, you could have been trying to get in to Italy where there would be much more paperwork and many more officious officials.

    My partner, who happens to be black but British, born and bred, has had a few problems in the past – not as bad as you and Mrs Fear, but I dread to think what it would have like for us if we had been in that situation

  5. Lex Fear said

    Hi Andy,

    Thanks for commenting. We look back now and laugh, so it’s cool.

    It is a joke in all senses of the word!

  6. bazza said

    what your saying is so true dude…when i arrived in heathrow i had the worst taste in my mouth and it stuffed up my whole day.
    Firstly there so rude and looked depressed or something i waited in line and got to the front and didn’t know you had to fill in some card(so filled it out and back to the line) because noone told me and there was a dude standing there directing people in the line.
    Secondly i wrote in the bit where it says “where are you staying?”
    I Wrote “with my cousins im not sure what his address is” (how the hell am i suppsed to know there picking me up)

    This what her respond with a very bitter and angry look on her face “now this is not funny this is very serious, why would you write something like that”?

    Then I starting getting asked questions which I felt I was getting psycologically tested and I was a criminal
    “so who are your cousins”
    “how are you related to them”
    “why are you travelling at this time”
    “how much do you have in your bank and how did you pay for this”
    Then this b!£”H started really taring my down asking about my life and etc, and my cousins

    I felt so uneasy and really really worried because I thought i had done something wrong and because im middle eastern i was really like what the hell is going on and what the hell did I do to deserve this.

    Then she let me go and was staring me down really hard and I starred right back

    Then i went into a room got all my bags searched and my clothes all messed up and thrown everywhere

    I seriously couldn’t believe it I was ready to leave london

    So my advice to you is write travelling or just visiting and have an address ready for your own sake, so you dont have to go through what i went through…

  7. afear said

    Thanks Bazza,

    I feel for your experience. The UK is such a 2nd world country pretending to be first world I just don’t understand why people want to visit much less why we feel we have to keep it airtight from foreigners.

    I can’t wait to leave, we’re just working on saving up and waiting for the right time, I won’t be coming back and I’ll be refusing any ID cards they try to issue.

  8. bazza said

    good luck mate hope all goes well

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